:: Far Beyond the Sun ::

:: Tuesday, June 08, 2004 ::

I'm gonna make an album which no one will listen to simply cuz no one will like it and everyone will hate it.Everyone will just throw it away into the garbage and say its the worst piece of shit fuck ass music i have ever listened to.They will complain for days and say that its a total waste of time.They will shun me when i ask them to jam with me;and give me lame excuses.Everyone will think i am the worst musician and guitarist on earth and no one can be worse.They will say that i have wasted all my time playing the guitar.They will say i wasted everyones times.They will end up hating the things i do.They will just see me as one of those guys,i'm just like everyone else.They will pass remarks to thier freinds in disgust saying how shit this try hard album will be.Everyone will run away when i pick up my guitar.And all this becoz i let them hear my album.

You know what, all this is true and will come true.So to save myself the humiliation no one will hear what i play.

:: Lazarus 6/08/2004 06:23:00 AM [+] ::
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"i myself can't see what they (other people...duh) see" shit man this really explains what i see in me. I mean what issit in me? I dun even know who the fuck i am and sometimes i don't even wanna know. Not that it scares me or anything but well...just .... well knowing would probably make me real miserable. The again this is me, always lost but nothing to find. Ironic huh.I'm fuck ass tired and sleepy, but i gotta drive back to camp l8er so yeah what a bitch(not u Sadie) man.Oh well i dunno what else to rant on about ... i mean life sucks thats about it nothing more to be said cuz i can't be bothered.I have very little freinds and the pple ard me aren't very close so i don't have much to comment on. ....err.. bye

:: Lazarus 5/11/2004 03:14:00 AM [+] ::
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Fucking hell its been a while ain't it ...Godam it i'm been so fucking frustrated for the past week. Looking back ... all that 6years of blistering fingers and wrist with inflamed tendons ; sweaty palms on rusty strings and cuts, and what does boil down to ? Nothing .......absofuckinglutely nothing. I ain't asking for much, hell man i'd play for a church ... and seriously i fucking hate the hype it freaks me out ... i'll just do my thing u do urs nothing else realy matters. Man no ones takes my musi seriously ... not so much my playing and all . but my attitude towards it. I feel like a manic street preacher ....u know the ones u see at movies where they hang out at funky streets, dirty smelly, where all the paupers live. Preaching like talking to ice cold walls; the words just fly around and get blown by the wind, until it fades...dispersing into the air until nothingness takes over. And when the day is done .. i hide back into my box, my only refuge...and my only company are the four cardboard walls. The next day i come out .... and well ......thats about it. We all have dreams .... i hold onto mine for too long ... i try to get it out and throw it away but it comes crawling back ... fucking annoying, I given up so many fucing things ... this is the last thing that is hanging ... if i give this up ...well ... i dunno .... my mind tells me to .... but my heart won't (whatever's left of it). OK then i dunno what else to say here ...i shall leave you with a quote that i just said when i spoken to the legendary drummer ... Jason ... who can bring Brendan and maybe Dhalif to thier knees ..."I'm a closet player, without that closet i ain't playing".

:: Lazarus 5/02/2004 07:09:00 AM [+] ::
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Heya long time no see yeah ...oh well ...

"Its hard to live when everyone seems to be better than you" - OK i said that lah ....

But its true ... everyone seems to be better than me ...well yeah ... i guess my purpose is to be useless to make everyone else useful eh .. hehe .. oh well its ok ... thats my life ..ever boring ... shitty ... nothing much happening.... i'm just wasting my time living ... i can kill myself but i can't be bothered cuz dying don't mean jack shit to me too ..

Am i that hard to talk to ? Or be approached? People seem to not want to talk to me ... i dunno why ..its like i've got a forcefield around me with a sign ... "Caution 30m or more clearence, 30,000 volts". I never really have anyone to talk to ... my freinds come and go ....after time we just drift ...i never had a freind for more than 3yrs, the shorttest time i had a "freind" was what .......2 days... after that he just never talked to me ... wierd huh. OK maybe 1 ... i dunno... Anyway ... yeah ... i've been alone so long ... too long, a fish in a big pond with no other fish to swim with....eh it gets cold know. I figured if this is my life ... maybe i should embrace it ... i mean this is the way things go then just let mother nature take care of it. I hardly talk to people now.

Sigh my life is just sad man ... seriously ... i mean what so special bout me? I'm just average .. maybe a bit below ... yeah .. but well i've always wanted to be ... err..special .. u know unique to the extent of being wierd, i never want to be like "them" u know. I wanna experience things that hardly anyone goes through .. i want to do things that only a handful of people have done, i'm never happy being myself i've always wanted to be like other people .. so much so that i hate myself i hate myself soo much .. i wish i wasn'twho i am cuz t sucks being me, it just plain sucks .... dammit why am i normal, why can't i be born with a defect? Or born with a special talent of some sort? Why the fuck go through life if there's nothing really to live up to? Or live for? I'm just wasting my life away man ..fuck ... might as well just waste it all lah ...for fuck sakes ... God u've wasted ur energy creating me la just kill me now or make me never exist or something lah i mean what the fuck right ? God if your out there please listen to me ... i only have one wish .... just obliterate me, annihilate every trace of my soul as well trust me you won't regret it ....

:: Lazarus 3/15/2004 06:02:00 AM [+] ::
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Ok this poem i wrote i actually wrote it today but i edit what i wrote on that day so thats why it came out on that day not today ..anyway yeah

:: Lazarus 1/22/2004 02:53:00 AM [+] ::
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Here's a poem i wrote i kinda like it

Sail Away:
Like a boat in the calm plethora of water
Its sail flush against the welkin
The wind exhales
And the woodless sea stays silent
The boat glissades delicately across the ocean
With no pang
With no ghastly turn of the eye
Only acquainted to the endless path set before it
Ever in ambulation
But yet with no destination

:: Lazarus 1/15/2004 03:22:00 AM [+] ::
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Today wasn't a very good day ... fucing bad one. I think i think too much ... too deep....drives me crazy .. ..but yet i am deeply sadened by this fact. The more i ask why the more i want to know...when the conclusion comes and it says i don't want anything...i dig deeper to find out why.

I wish i could kill millions by my command ...i would force mothers to kill thier children and fathers to kill thier family and force to feast on thier flesh. I would kill newborns in front of a mother who has given birth. I would slaughter thousands by the day. Torture would be a thing of the past.. i will bring the beast out in men and drive them the brink of sanity
The more people hate me , i would turn around and use that to make those who support me support me even more... the reason why people would hate me is because with all this power and influence.. i chose to make the world a worse place... why do i want to do this? Because i have power ..the power to do anything i want .... and this is exactly what Hitler did. i am not evil nor cruel ... i simply have the compentency to do so. It is not out of pleasure but simply the fact that i can.

Germany may have lost the war but they won everything else.

Love...I will never let anyone love me nor will i love anyone. I have taken this path and this route simply because this is my choice. I will let my heart wither and turn yellow ... until it feels nothing. Love is the greatest mistake man has ever come across...it is the greatest facade that man has turn to in order to escape the harsh and bleak reality of life because if you look at life with no dictation no perception nor devior nor decree... life is nothing. In its plain self it exist as nothing ...and in this existence everything else exist inside this contridictory nothingness. Life then doesn't matter, if so ... living is futile.
And all our pathetic lives has no meaning nor substance whatsoever. Life has no meaning ...
yet if u fail to see meaning in that you've missed the whole point of life. Simply put the meaning of life means nothing.
But no man cannot accept this they must find some kind of meaning ..some kind of entity some kind of element to fill that
void .... and that is love. The point that they are missing is that life IS that void ...It is that barren destituted emptiness in
you that contains the meaning in life... it hold the key to unlocking every question you have. Feeling empty is just natures
way of saying wake up and smell the fucking coffee my freind ... this IS life as it is this is pure. This is as pure as it gets ...
Feel sad feel happy ... it doesn't care because it can't and it won't the more you ask why the fuck is it so empty the more
it will bug you because IT won't do anything...So for God sakes DON"T don anything...why touch fire when its hot? Do not
react fo you emotions ....simply because there is no need to .... Nobody's going to say if you don't cry i'm going to shove a
dynamite up your ass. if you do not react to yopur emotions it can't do anything...it feeds on your reaction the more you
reacte the more shit it will give you.

This is who i am ... a man with not much to feel about nor a man with much attachment...i am true because i only have
myself ... i am not lieing to myself i am not putting up a show .... i am looking inside of me as if there is no watcher
i am looking at myself as it is with a mind and heart with no boudnaries ....not even the boundaries of freedom is
enough for this .... i am simply looking at myself as if i am not even looking .....

:: Lazarus 1/14/2004 05:34:00 AM [+] ::
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Dam

:: Lazarus 1/14/2004 03:07:00 AM [+] ::
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